


What's in a Memory?

by Misplaced_in_the_Fog



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angsty Bucky Barnes, Because Bucky is a power house of angst, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Gets His Priorities Straight, Bucky forgets some import stuff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, I'm Bad At Tagging, Kinda, M/M, Memory Loss, Mostly Smut, Ok so I really didn't wait that long to introduce smut, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Penises to come, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, See what I did there, Steve Feels, Tagging is actually kind of fun, Up all night to get Bucky, Why do I do this to myself, all the feels, but later, hold your damn horses, not yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-07 00:28:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4242537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misplaced_in_the_Fog/pseuds/Misplaced_in_the_Fog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky knows nothing except his mission and it only takes a couple words from Steve Rogers to remember what his mission really was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. His Mission

**Author's Note:**

> These are not my characters, I'm just writing a story. Also, I will generally have short chapters with long ones thrown in. Please leave comments and tell me what you guys think.

It was yet another restless night full of hidden memories, a night full of reopened wounds. He walked fast and faster still until he was all but running, running from the pain of loss that he's had to experience over and over since he woke up.  The concrete was cool underneath his bare feet; he hadn't planned on going out tonight.  He tried to sleep but his mind only let him relive his waking nightmare.  Or was it a dream?  He couldn't decide whether or not this new development was a good thing.  And he still didn't know who that man was, the one he was supposedly running from.  Or was he running from the memory of the man?  For some unknown reason he couldn't bring himself to tell his superiors about the man.  By now that man should be dead, not be plaguing his sleep.  Instead he was always on the brink of remembering something important; he was always in pain and he had no idea why.  He couldn't shake off a feeling of desperation, a feeling that was leading him closer and closer to the man. His mission.

* * *

"You're. My. Mission." He had him.  He could feel the man's neck constrict beneath his hand with every punch.  He could feel the panic settle in his chest with every word the man spoke.  With every word the man said he could feel himself getting closer and closer to that memory that had been eluding him.  He could start to feel the man's life slip away every time that metal connected with flesh.

"Then finish it- 'Cause I'm with you 'til the end of the line."

_I'm with you 'til the end of the line._

Conney Island.  A weak, sick boy.  A heart the size of a continent.  Blue eyes and golden hair and Steve. Oh god Steve.

The already weakened structure of the ship fell apart.  His metal arm slipped upwards and caught hold of a stray beam as he watched the man fall towards the water. No, not the man.  He watched Steve.  He watched _Steve_ fall; he watched the consciousness slip away from _Steve_.  And then he remembered.

Keep Steve safe.  _I'm with you 'til the end of the line._   That was his mission.  How could he have let _anything_ make him forget that?   _I'm with you_ _'til the end of the line._

The water felt cool against his fevered skin.  He could see the outline of a body beneath him in the water and swam down to grasp his wrist.  He brought Steve up to the shore and checked to make sure he was still breathing. 

He needed time.  Time to remember, to think, to heal.  He would be back for Steve Rogers.  After he had come to terms with what he'd done.  Not only had he killed countless people, but he broken his promise to himself and he had almost killed his best friend.  He just needed time.

 

_I'm with you 'til the end of the line._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be posting generally short chapters but I will keep posting them as long as people like the story. I'm using this as sort of a creative outlet I guess.
> 
> Anyways, later sexuals.


	2. His Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's been alone for a year now and he's been watching Steve look for him. Maybe now it's time to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I'm just going to ignore Age if Ultron and go on my own little time line. Also I will be switching to first person. This is because Bucky is starting to think of himself as a person and less of a weapon or just an object. These are not my characters. I wish. *sigh*

I watched him through the scope of my rifle.  When he was frustrated he would run, and this was this fifteenth lap.  He had almost found me today, the clever bastard.  I was lucky that he insisted on finding me on his own once they found out that I never left the city.  In a way it was nice with someone else keeping Hydra off my back.  Steve had his buddies keep Hydra off of me and I just stayed away from Steve.  I knew it was about time that we reunited but I wasn't sure I was ready to admit to what I've done to him.  I still had episodes where my training would kick in and I would black out and come to only to realize that I had pinned a homeless old man to a brick wall.  I still get flashbacks of my past but there's too much I don't remember.  I remember certain times with Steve; laughing and goofing off as boys, picking him up from fights, even some bits of fighting beside him.

But I was tired of hiding.  I was tired of being alone and running from the only person left who knew me.  During my year as James again I had picked up a couple of girls here and there but they never seemed to be the company I was craving for.  So now I sat in a chair in the middle of Steve's living room and waited.

* * *

I heard his footsteps before he got the door of the apartment.  I didn't look up as the door opened slowly and the shut with a click.  I just continued to rub my metal arm down with a cloth, making sure to get all the dirt out of the crevices.  I didn't wear a jacket with gloves today, Steve needed to understand what he was dealing with.  What I had become.

We stayed like that for a while.  Steve unmoving by the door while I cleaned my arm.  Finally I stood up and looked him in the eye.  His blue eyes were widened with confusion but I could also see... Relief? Wariness? Hope? I let him war with his emotions and we stood there silently, our breaths quiet and tense.  Eventually I forced my muscles to relax and offered him a half-smile.  Apparently that was all it took to break the spell.

"Bucky." He breathed out a crept slowly into the apartment.

"Hey Stevie." I greeted back, trying to keep my rising panic down to a dull roar.

"You remember." He stated his eyes never leaving my face. 

"I remember enough." I said eyeing his slow movements as he crept closer to me.  He was about four feet away and had his hands up as if he was trying to convince me that he wouldn't hurt me. As if I wouldn't know.

"You remember us?" He asked his questioning gaze flicking to my lips and back to my eyes.

Oh. _Oh._

Secret nights and hushed moans flashed through my mind.

That's new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm going try for updating once a week but I may do more.
> 
> Later sexuals.


	3. His Troubles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky starts to remember the intensity his and Steve's relationship and his emotions war against whether he wants to continue or not.

We sat across from each other in a small cafe down the street from Steve's apartment. He hadn't said anything since he suggested going somewhere public to meet. I didn't try to hide my questioning gaze as I let my eyes rake over his body. I knew what it felt like to have those lips on mine now. What Steve and I had done back then had been forbidden; a secret between the two of us. I still don't know if he did it because of love or lust but I know that I had loved him once. I couldn't stop wanting to touch him, to see if the years we had been apart changed how he tasted, how he felt.

And that was starting to get on my nerves. What we had done had been unthinkable back then, but now? What did he want? Did he want to fuck or have a relationship? Even if he did I wasn't sure I still wanted either of those. I couldn't stop my physical reaction to him now that I had these damn memories back and I couldn't even stay angry that he made me feel this way.

He smiled over the rim of his coffee at me and I almost saw stars. He sat back in his chair and had one leg throw over the other in a careless way that managed to somehow look elegant. His body had changed so much from when we first start our "relationship" but the curve of his jaw was the same. His eyes were that same sparkling blue that reminded me of a water fountain in the middle of July. He was just as perfect as the day I lost him.

But I'm as broken as the day I left Hydra. I had my memories now, that was reassuring. At least I didn't stay up at night anymore wondering who I was and who the man was that haunted me. I knew. He still wanted me; as a friend or a lover, I had no idea. I could feel his honesty, not that I could remember him every being dishonest. I was broken and he was still perfect. He had found a life without me, he didn't need to be protected. Hell, he probably had a dame back home waiting for him. He didn't need me. I'm a broken weapon, obsolete, out-dated.

Steve Rogers doesn't need me anymore.

"Don't look for me this time." I said numbly as I set my coffee down.

"Bucky?" I watched his blue eyes widen in alarm. He would be fine, I just had to rip this off like a band-aid. He didn't need me.

"I'm going to walk out that door and you are not going to follow me. If you do I will force you to leave, even with the civilians here." I closed my eyes and the lives of all those people that the Asset had taken flashed through my mind again. They had been fueling my nightmares for over a year now. I focused on how I had hurt them. I was too dangerous, too broken, and Steve didn't need me. I shouldn't have come in the first place.

"Okay." I jerked my head back up and our eyes met. I felt my chest constrict as I saw the pain and the resignation written on his face. "I'll wait, Buck, I swear I will. I've waited this long, I can wait longer. You do what you need to." No, _no_. He wasn't  _getting_ it. I could feel the anger rising in me. I had to leave. If I had an episode int the middle of all these people- If Steve saw me like that-

I grabbed his chin with my metal had, the glove creaking slightly.

"Don't wait for me." I ground out.  I pushed through the crowd until I got to the alleys, and then I ran.  I ran for a while until eventually I was at the apartment I had been living in and collapsed, on the crappy couch the previous residents had left behind.  I had spent two hours running around earlier, making sure no one followed me earlier and all I wanted was sleep.  Maybe the nightmares wouldn't be so bad tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I know this isn't the best story in the world and I could expand on everything a lot more but I would appreciate if you guys told me how you felt in the comments and how fast or slow you want this story to go. Oh and dream sex will be a thing in the next chapter. 
> 
> Later sexuals.


	4. His Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky fears his nightmares but tonight his memories take him somewhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEX
> 
> Now that I've gotten your attention. There will be sexy stuff this chapter. Not just any sexy stuff, but actual gay sex. Whoop!

"Bucky!" I laughed and put Steve back on his feet. Fun and games are great but I didn't want to risk an asthma attack. He had been rooting around in the fridge, probably for dinner, when I had come up from behind him and lifted him up by his waist.

"Sorry Stevie but you made it so easy." I started cracking up again at his puppy-eyes and leaned around him to grab the milk out of the fridge. I scruffed up his hair and grabbed a cup down. "You want some?" I said, waving the milk at him.

"Not cool Buck. And no thank you." He huffed and turned to grab supplies for dinner out of the fridge. I set the milk on the counter and shut the fridge slowly before he could grab anything out.

"Aw c'mon Stevie, don't be mad." I whispered in his ear. His breath caught and I knew I had him. "I just couldn't keep my hands to myself." I leaned in closer and put my other arm on the fridge so that I caged him in.

"You never can." He grumbled but I could hear a smile in his voice. I started to nip and kiss at his neck, pushing him up against the fridge lightly.

"Bucky, the curtains are open." He gasped out as his hand reached back and grabbed the back of my neck. I brought my arms up around him and turned him around.

"The curtains are closed in the bedroom." I whispered and lead him down the hallway. Once my back hit the door I started to grope for the door knob. I watched Steve as he chuckled. I loved the way his eyes would light up when he laughed and how his nose would crinkle up ever so slightly. Dear lord I loved him, how could that be wrong? Being with him felt so right.  I yelped out in surprise when the door gave way.

"Payback." He said cheekily as he grinned up at me. I grinned back and pulled him into the room with me. He shut the door behind him with his foot and I grabbed him as I fell back unto the bed.

"Shut up and kiss me." I grinned up at him devilishly. He laughed but brought his lips to mine. Kissing him was like the Fourth of July and a warm blanket in the winter all at once. It was exciting and invigorating, it made me feel like I was flying and it brought me to my knees. Kissing Steve was like coming home. I licked his bottom lip lightly, asking permission. If he ever stopped wanting this, wanting me, I had no idea what I would do but for now, this moment was perfect. He moaned hotly into my mouth and I delved my tongue inside.  I licked slowly at the roof of his mouth and he tangled his tongue with mine.  There was never a fight for dominance with Steve, with him it was a dance. 

I flipped us over so that he was lying on the mattress.  I let my eyes trail across his flushed skin and tousled hair, down to the very noticeable bulge in his pants.  I grinned up at him and slowly started to make my way down his body until I was straddling his knees I popped the button on my pants and worked my way out of them.  Our eyes locked stayed locked until I reached up and pulled off my shirt.  I heard him take a stuttering breath and I leaned forward to brush my thumb across his lips.

"Easy there darlin', I'm going to take good care of you." I looked up at him and he smiled gently back at me.

"I know that Buck, you always do.  I just can't help it; you look damn fine without all those clothes in the way."  I chuckled as I undid his pants and he sat up to pull his shirt over his head.  He never liked taking his clothes off at first; it took me a while to coax him out of them.  For some reason, he never believed he was beautiful.  So I spent my time showing him that he was.

I leaned back on my calves and slowly teased his boxers down.  When his erection sprang free I licked my lips and started to lean down, my breath ghosted over the tip of his cock as I let my hands wander his body.  He was too thin and too pale and that bothered me because I just want him to be healthy.  But he was perfect because he was Steve and in a twisted way, because of his sickness he needed me. I wondered sometimes if he wasn't sick, would he even want me? I pushed those thoughts aside and licked up his length, reveling in the way he tasted.

"F-fuck." He gasped out and reached his hands down to tangle them in the sheet.  I reached up with my left arm and curled our fingers together as I continued to lap at his cock.

"Tut-tut Stevie, what a- foul mouth you have." I whispered between licks.

"Bucky." He whined out and grasped my fingers tighter. I made sure to keep an eye on his chest to check for signs of an attack, but so far so good.  I reached beneath the bed and pulled out the cardboard box with condoms and lubricant inside.  After a moment of digging through the box I grabbed out the small bottle and popped open the cap.  I managed to get enough on my fingertips without letting go of Steve's hand so I let the bottle fall to the floor with a thud. Steve keened again above me and ground his hips upwards, looking for some type of friction besides my tongue gently lapping along his length.  I placed my finger tip against the pucker of flesh beneath me. 

"Ready Stevie? " I spoke against his thigh, and looked up to meet his eyes.  I let him catch his breath and waited for him to nod before I simultaneously swallowed his cock and pushed my first finger in. I hummed around his member as I worked my first finger, making sure to let his body adjust to the intrusion before slowly adding a second one.  He moaned deeply and arched his back against the bed. I swallowed his member down deeper until my nose was pressed against his skin.  It took me a long time to actually be able to do this and it's one of my favorite skills now.  I loved how Steve reacted as my throat worked around his cock, how he moaned and whispered my name like a prayer.  I knew I found that special bundle of nerves the second Steve arched off the bed and put his fist in his mouth to hide his cry of pleasure.  _One day I'll get to hear how he sounds when there's no one around, no risks of being caught_ I vowed silently.

I pulled off of his cock with an obscene pop and slowly pulled my fingers out while unlacing our fingers.  I heard him whimper at the loss but soon I had discarded my underwear and rolled on a condom.  I grabbed the abandoned bottle and put some slick on my own cock before climbing on top of him. Brushing his damp hair out of his face I waited until he had caught his breath again. I aligned myself with his entrance and placed my arm underneath his neck. Cradling his head in my hand I leaned down and kissed him passionately.  I tried to tell him with that kiss just how much I loved him, how much I _needed_ him.

"Please Buck." He whispered against my lips and I couldn't deny him; even if I wasn't aching for the same release. I slowly thrust in, waiting until our hips were flush against each other and allowing his body time to adjust to my length. I heard him growl in frustration and felt him grind against me.

"Somebody's impatient." I chuckled breathlessly.

"Fuck. Me." He growled out, clutching at my arms.

"No." I said looking down at him, trying to really show him how I felt.  I leaned in and let my lips brush against the shell of his ear "I'm going to make love to you." I said as I began to thrust in and out of him slowly.  He arched up against me and wrapped his arms around my neck.

"You left the milk on the counter."

"Way to ruin the moment, Rogers." I laughed a leaned down to kiss him. "The milk can wait."

* * *

 I woke up confused, and feeling like there should be someone lying next to me but then I remember.

Steve wasn't sick anymore and I was sleeping on a couch.

"Must've been some nightmare." I heard from the foot of the couch. Sure enough, there he was. Sitting on the floor by the end of the couch, looking at me as if he knew exactly what I had been dreaming about.

"Dammit Rogers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May or may not put real awake sex in the next chapter. Have not decided. Probably not but who knows. This plot is very generalized.
> 
> Later sexuals.


	5. His Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve refuses to let Bucky go without a promise that he'll return and Bucky finds that he can't lie to him.

"Dammit Rogers."  I sighed and let my head drop back on the couch.  "What happened to you saying that you'll 'wait for me'? Doesn't that include not following me home?" He scoffed and picked at his fingernails.

"This place is no home, Bucky."

"Don't call me that and answer the damn question Rogers."  Him calling me Bucky had only bothered me when I didn't know who I was.  Now that I know too much I don't want him getting ideas and the erection I was sporting liked the nickname whether I did or not.  I saw the hurt flash across his face before he schooled his features into a neutral mask.  I hated the way my heart constricted.  He didn't need me anymore, he was Captain America.  He didn't need me before when he first got the serum and I had still tried to justify my place beside him.  Look where that had gotten me.

"You didn't say you were coming back.  I won't let you leave until you tell me you're coming back.  I need you." He said quietly, his jaw set as he stared at the wall.  I felt rage then, a quite simmering sort of rage that I had no idea where it came from.

"Don't you dare lie to me; and funny, you never gave me the same courtesy." I clenched my metal fist so hard it started to creak.

"What-"

"You. Left. Me." I ground out. "I fell off of that damn train and you just left me in the snow to die.  Do you know how painful it is to lose an arm, huh Rogers? Do you know how painful it is when someone tells you that your best friend, no, your _lover_ has forsaken you? When they give you proof? You never went back for me.  You never came back for me and yet you want me to 'promise' that I'll come back for you?" I swung my feet off of the couch and stood up; crouching in front of him, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him forward. "Oh sure, I came back to my 'senses' eventually.  And when I did that they brainwashed me and put me under, only to wake me up and put me back again and again." I stood up and started pacing the room and he got warily to his feet.  "You could never be happy with yourself.  Did you not trust me to take care of you? Did you think that I wouldn't come back for you after the war? What Steve, tell me because I don't know." He started to open his mouth but I just continued.  "You just had to be a fucking hero, didn't you? You were my purpose, and you took that away from me the second you didn't need me.  When you became Captain America I lost everything.  I tried even then to stay with you and what did it get me? Abandoned. Turned into some freak assassin with a metal arm.  And now that it's convenient, you want me back? It doesn't work that way Stevie!  So don't lie to me and tell me that you need me, and don't ask for something that you have no right to ask for!"  I was yelling by the end, and somewhere along the line I had gotten inches away from his face.  I was panting heavily and Steve looked-

Destroyed.

"I thought it wasn't possible for you to have survived that fall Bu- James." He flinched as he said my first name.  It sounded foreign to my ears, that name coming out of his mouth.  He sounded so quiet, to defeated.  "I had to finish the mission. People would have died, and I couldn't let anyone else feel what I felt when I thought I had lost you.  I couldn't bring myself to go and look at your corpse, so I left.  That day I made the biggest mistake of my life and believe me when I say it haunts me even now." He took in a shuddering breath and met my eyes. I stopped breathing when I saw the unshed tears in his eyes.  "I never stopped needing you.  Even when I became Captain America, I _never_ stopped needing you.  I just wanted to be the one to protect people for once. _I wanted to protect you_ and I failed, even with the serum.  I failed you and I hated myself every moment I was alive and you were dead.  I'm so sorry Bucky."  I was still angry, I had been angry for so long without even knowing why and I wasn't sure whether or not I could ever let that anger go completely.  "Don't leave me." He whispered and for a second he was the old Steve.  He was small and weak and perfect and he needed me.  "I don't need you to protect me anymore but that doesn't mean that I don't need you in my life.  I trust you to watch my back. I love you James Buchanan Barnes, and I never stopped."

I don't know when I started kissing him.  He clutched at my shoulders and had my metal arm wrapped around his waist, pinning us together while the other clutched his hair.  He tasted the same, and kissing him was the same dance it had always been, even though it was more hectic.

"I don't forgive you." I said angrily as I twisted us around and shoved him against the wall. "I'll come back though." I sighed in defeat and continued pinning him to the wall. "So don't fucking follow me this time." I allowed myself one last kiss, one last reminder that as hard as I tried, I would never be able to leave him as long as he told me to stay.  But I had to get rid of some of this anger.  I knew I was mad at Steve, but I was mad at everything.  I thought I had taken enough time when I had come back after that year of being alone. Apparently not. I let go of him and ran to the window above the fire escape.

"You'll come back?" He asked pushing himself away from the wall.

"I couldn't lie to you if I tried Rogers." I growled out and opened the window. "So leave me be." With that I jumped, skipping the fire escape entirely and falling four stories to the ground below. 

Maybe it wasn't the end of the line just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAANNDD IIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAY LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU.  
> Bucky being angsty in the next chapter.
> 
> Later sexuals.


	6. His Solitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's lonely without Steve. This is him trying to live without him. Oh and Koshka is spelt кошка but I just decided to spell it the way it sounds.

I sighed and walked into my kitchen, the cabin I now owned was much better than that apartment in the city and I liked the quiet.

"Rrruff!"  I looked down by my hip and smiled down at my husky, Koshka.  Her tail went a mile a minute and she spun in circles as I reached up and grabbed her dog food from the cupboard. 

"Calm yourself."  I chuckled and went to set her dish on the floor.  Before I got halfway there she had her nose in it and was chomping it down eagerly.  "And don't act like I don't feed you."  I bumped her out of the way with my hip and grabbed my cereal and a bowl down.  I liked my life here in Vermont; I got the occasional barb from my coworkers for always wearing love-sleeved shirts with my work gloves but all in all this was a simple life.  For some reason though there was a hole that couldn't be filled, and not for lack of trying on my part.  I got a job, a house, hell; I even bought a dog.  And yet I still needed him.  I just wasn't sure if I was ready for what being with Steve meant.  I wanted to believe he still needed me, but he could still wake up one morning and not want me around anymore.  Was I even still in love with him?  I'm not sure I even remember what love feels like.  All it is now is a distant memory of when I knew how to be happy.

I finished up my cereal and patted Koshka in the head. Sighing, I picked up my bowl and washed it in the sink.  I walked over and opened the door for Koshka to go do her business before we went to work.  The small construction company that I worked for alowed me to have her on site as long as she didn't become a nuisance and she loved the half-hour car ride to work.  I went into my room and pulled on my work clothes. I grabbed my lunch for the fridge and grabbed my work gloves before heading outside.

"Ready to go, pup?" I laughed as she weaved around my legs, she knew exactly what was about to happen. "Ready to go to work?" She barked excitedly and hopped in the truck when I opened the door for her.  I went to the other side and pulled myself up into the old Chevy. As soon as I started going down the driveway I rolled down the window and Koshka practically threw the top half of her body out of the window.  "If you fall out I'm not coming back for you."  I warned and she just turned to bark at me before turning her attention back the wind that was whipping at her fur.

* * *

"You should come get a drink with us, Jay!"  My coworker exclaimed loudly before slapping me on the back and I lurched forward and acted a bit winded.

"Jeeze Tom, are you trying to kill me?"  I laughed and stood up straight again.  "I should really get Koshka home though; another time, maybe." 

"You are _not_ going to get out of this again.  We've been asking you for a drink for months now; Koshka will be fine a bit longer in the truck."  He said and grabbed my shoulder.  I denied the urge to slam him into my truck and sighed.  One night couldn't hurt, and I didn't want them getting suspicious of where I came from anyway.  Originally I spun some story of my wife dying and Tom was the one who got me a job, a truck, and a place to live.  His wife even got me Koshka so I 'wouldn't be lonely.'  I did owe the man a drink, even if it meant an evening acting like I was drunk.

"Alright, Tom.  I'll go this time."  He patted my shoulder and pushed me towards my truck while laughing at something another coworker said.

"It's the bar on Main Street.  You can't miss it."

"Alright, see you there."  I called out and got into my truck.

* * *

The bar was already loud when I got there.  I looked down at my work gloves and sighed, I had a pair of nicer leather ones in the glove box; I just didn't want to reflect questions about why I wore gloves all the time tonight.  I rolled the windows up most of the way and pulled on my nicer gloves.

"Be good, Koshka."  I told her and pet her fur lightly.  She whined at me and I smiled back at her.  "You'll be okay." I chuckled and shut the door.  As I headed towards the bar one of my coworkers- Jim, I think- hollered at me and herded me towards the table.  I laughed as I was shoved into a chair and given a bottle of beer.

After an hour or so I turned my attention to the football on the screen across from me.  My attention drifted back and forth between this and the news until the former caught my attention.

_"-It appears that Stark tower has taken damage from an outside force, this force has yet to be confirmed but authorities are working on meeting with-"_

Stark tower. Isn't that where- 

No. He is not still throwing his lot in with Stark. No way-

Who was I kidding.  _That idiot._

"Excuse me, it seems that something has come up."  I said calmly to Tom while glancing at my cell phone.  "I have to go back to New York, a friend of mine has gotten himself into trouble." Tom looked at me sympathetically.  

"You go ahead and deal with that.  My brother got into drug trouble a couple years back.  I understand." I laughed mirthlessly.

"I wish it was that simple.  I don't think that I'll be back though.  At least not anytime soon."  I sighed and stood up, I clapped him on the shoulder and leaned down.  "Thanks for all you've done."  Tom nodded sagely and set down his beer.

"I figured you were the drifter type."  

"In a better world..."  I sighed.

"That's what we all say." Tom laughed.  I turned and walked out of the bar.  As I walked out of the bar towards my car I found myself getting more and more livid.  I crushed my cellphone and left it in the parking lot.

"Fucking Steve Rogers."  I said and patted Koshka's head.  "Time to go on a road trip."

 

 


	7. His Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve is being reckless and Bucky is done with that shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick shout out to Shinigami24 for the idea to include a Bucky watching Steve being reckless chapter by having him watch the events of AoU.  
> Thanks for that!

The way he fought. It was beautiful; he was so deadly, and so graceful. He danced amidst the onslaught, never missing his mark. He was beautiful. And reckless. And I was beyond pissed.  He was fighting with people who had apparently tried to kill him by the information that I was able to dredge up from following him.  I haven't even tried to keep track of how many times he's almost died. 

I rounded up more citizens toward the rescue crafts while trying to look as panicked as possible. I had my hair cut and a flannel with my work gloves on to avoid being noticed.  The last thing I needed was the others to perceive that I was a threat and have to deal with fighting them on top of a gigantic time bomb. Koshka was by my side, though she was obviously uncomfortable with the chaos. Leave it to me to get stuck on a flying island with crazy robot minions attacking civilians. This was just the type of normal life I was trying to live.

"Sir! We are leaving the area; you need to board the craft!" A rescue worker called after me. I glanced towards him and then back at Steve. I sighed and picked up Koshka and ran to the raft. I placed her inside and turned to look at Steve again.  I was getting ready to jump back into the fray when a woman began running towards the edge.

"No! I won't leave unless I can find my husband!" I saw a woman start to leave the craft and I jumped inside and held her back.  I look over behind the woman to see a very frightened looking young boy.

"How many more vessels are coming?"  I asked the medic.

"I believe these ones are the last."  He responded while continuing to look after her patients.  I turned back to the woman.

"Ma'am he's probably on just on another one. Calm down." She beat against my arms. I sighed and looked back at Steve and growled. "You have five seconds to get off of this death trap, Rogers, or I swear I will kill you before it does."  I was pretty sure I saw that bastard smirk briefly before continuing to fight.  The crafts began to back away from the island and I clenched the metal bar so hard it began to twist in on itself.  I was getting ready to make a jump for one of pipes hanging out of the island before I saw him jump.  My heart was in my throat as I watched him sail through the air.  I knew he was going to make it but after all the shit I had witnessed in the past few days I was getting damn tired of watching him put his life in danger.  He landed in the raft beside mine and I let out the breath that I had apparently been holding.  I sat down and put my back against the cool metal and sighed.  

When we touched ground I was going to kill him.

* * *

I grabbed Koshka and jumped out before we landed; I set her down and turned to look at him.  Our eyes met and I would have laughed at his confused expression if I wasn't ready to wring his neck.  I whistled at Koshka and turned to leave.  Steve would follow me, that I knew for certain.  I could hear his footsteps echo behind mine even amidst all the chaos of people running about.  We had landed not that far from Moscow and I knew this country like the back of my hand.  We had been walking for a good twenty minutes, him following about fifteen feet behind me while Koshka panted happily at my side, before he spoke up.

"Bucky."  He called out and stopped walking.  I stopped walking and turned to look at my dog.

"Stay."  I commanded and she lay down and put her head on her paws.  I turned around and started walking towards Steve, pulling my gloves off calmly I threw them on the ground and then grabbed Steve's throat.  "I'm going to kill you." 

"What-"

"No. You don't _get_ to talk Steve.  I do.  I try to live a normal life without you and all this confusion that happens every time I'm around you and you go and pull a stunt like this.  You had to know I would see it."

"There were civilians in trouble, the whole world was in trouble; I couldn't just ignore that.  I never asked you to come, and I handled my part just fine.  Don't pin this on me."  He grabbed my arm and twisted it away from his neck.

"I couldn't see what I saw and not come.  I couldn't see that you were in danger and not be there in case you needed me.  Don't you get it Rogers?  _This_ is why I can't stand you.  Because you don't even have to say anything and I come to you.  I'm at your beck and call just like I was with Hydra only this time I can't just wake up from the mind control and stop.  You made me love you and now that the Asset is gone I have nothing again, no purpose other than to be your toy.  You don't need me and I know that.  Yet the second I think you put yourself in danger I get pissed.  I follow you across the world to make sure you're safe.  I love you and I can't tell if I'm hanging on to a memory or if this is real."  I turned away from him and begin walking back towards the city. I felt arms wrap around my waist and I stop.

"I love you too Buck.  And I've done a lot of stupid things I have no control over because of that fact.  I'm not trying to control you, but seeing that you still care, that you care enough to get angry; that makes me happy.  Maybe we are hanging onto memories, but don't we owe it to those memories to at least try?  You're not a toy to me, you're something precious.  I don't know how you can't see how amazing you are, you couldn't back then either.  You don't need me to depend on you to make you wonderful.  I still need you, I go crazy without you.  You're the best part of me." I sigh as he rests his head on my shoulder.

"I'm prone to violence and I've killed dozens of innocent people.  I'm not the best part of anything."  I don't know why I let him weave his fingers though mine.

"You're passionate and fiery.  You help people without any thought to how it might affect you.  I learned this from watching you.  I am who I am today because of the example you set for me.  Don't downplay yourself if you're going to hold me on some sort of pedestal."

"I'm tired of running from you."  I said, defeated.

"And I'm tired of watching you go.  Don't leave me." He hugged my waist tighter.

"I won't."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meaningful sex in the next chapter. I'll try to get it posted before Friday.
> 
> Later sexuals.


	8. This is not a chapter.

Alright so sorry to those who were expecting an update and have been expecting one for a week now. I will post a chapter by Thursday of next week. I'm sooooo sorry its taken me so long but a lot of stuff has been going on.

Later sexuals.


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